Stay Classy

This morning I was sitting on an airplane next to Jake. He asked for the snack I'd stowed away in my purse. I reached into the bag & retrieved his wrapped blueberry muffin. When I handed him the muffin, I realized (to my horror) that a piece of dental floss was stuck to it. He said "please tell me that's not used."

Silence.

Why is "class" something that has always eluded me? To be fair, my mother is very proper & really tried. She wanted to raise "ladies" - and in some ways, was extremely successful. But, my dad's sense of humor is the genetic gift that keeps on giving. My classy mother has children who routinely rot out the trunks of their cars, find dirty underwear in their purses, "out-run" the cops in Longview & buy pharmaceuticals on the black market. Despite this, my sisters will tell you my relationship with Jake has cleaned up my act quite a bit, as life with someone who uses hand sanitizer & often refrains from swearing will do. However, I just can't manage to mirror the behaviors of the classy women in my life (see Bree Handforth or Diana Lim, for example).

What is "class" - what are the behaviors of classy women? Here are a few notable behaviors that I really could, should & would embrace. Lessons learned, behaviors observed - advice I'd like to give to women who lack serious class & advice I wish I'd employ from women whose class puts mine to shame (I'm sure Diana Lim doesn't have used dental floss in her purse).

1. Don't track dog shit into your house.

2. Don't take scrambled eggs to a potluck. That's not a potluck-appropriate dish.

3. Take an occasional inventory about how much you complain. Take an inventory of how much your friends complain. They should probably be the same. If your friends say things like "oh, it can't be that bad" or "I'm sorry" or otherwise do not engage your complaints for conversation, you're probably being annoying.

4. Spend more than 30 minutes with a new person before dropping the trifecta of the conversation class - swearing, sexual jokes, sh* talking. People will still like you if you make them wait a grueling 30 minutes to hear your brilliance. They've lived a lot of life before hearing how funny you think it is to sing Deck the Halls as Deck the Balls. They're fine.

5. Drinking something nicknamed "mind eraser" might not fit into the lifestyle of a classy lady. No one wants to see your maturing body. Really.

6. When you're riding your bike, it's raining sideways & 35 degrees, it's actually not your husband's fault that it's cold. Throwing the bike doesn't make it any more his fault.

7. The smell of alcohol can permeate at least 3 seats around you in a movie theater. I would suggest bringing at least that many friends with you to the movie (preferably who understand you don't share) to serve as a ghetto buffer. Or God forbid, don't bring your flask. [see what a serious logic deficit I'm working from?]

8. "It's fine, they're sisters" isn't going to keep you from getting kicked out of the bar if you're actually strangling each other.

9. Post-its should be used for grocery lists, quick notes or legitimate reminders like "file unemployment". No one wants to know that you need reminders for "take a shower" or "wash your hands." Take down the bathroom post-its when you have guests.

10. Don't discuss the girls on 16 & Pregnant like they're real. I mean, I know they're real, but keep that s* to yourself. Try not to identify that the grandmas on that show are 35.

11. Allowing someone to pick you up & throw you over their shoulder, no matter how playful or drunk, is annoying to everyone around you. And, if you happen to be a LOT heavier than they anticipated, getting dropped on your head is a natural consequence of being That Girl.

12. When someone calls you the wrong name (for example, "Carrie" if your name is "Carlee"), correct them immediately. Three months from now will require wine & awkward staging of your husband calling you your actual name a dozen times in their company. Avoid.

13. Flipping off someone through your sunroof isn't exactly Queen Elizabeth behavior.

14. Talking about your digestion doesn't make people want to hang out with you. Also, peeing with the door open isn't an invitation to relational intimacy, it's gross.

15. Just because someone has said something self deprecating doesn't mean you can join their self-hate. Laugh, affirm, move on. It's their joke to make, not yours.

16. If you use tampons to slow a nose bleed, don't tell anyone.

17. If you fall down, get up & DON'T look back as if you tripped on something. No one needs to put a cone there. [thank you for this wisdom, Ellen]

18. When purchasing an awkward combination of items like tampons, pregnancy tests, ovulation kits, monistat or KY, adding an extra item like tomatoes doesn't make the checker notice it less.

19. Insecurity is the root of all things awkward. Classy women admit, never cover or compensate. If you're not sure which you do, use this as a test: when the conversation turns to something you don't know about, do you ask questions or change the subject to 16 & Pregnant?

20. Generally refrain from the following: neon pink Christmas trees, talking about your hangover, farting louder than necessary, knocking over the box wine display at Target, using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty, allowing your recycling to completely take over your kitchen, inhaling cigars, talking about how pale you are, making your wisdom teeth into Christmas tree ornaments, plugging more than one power strip into an outlet, wearing more than one animal print, putting transmission fluid where your engine oil goes, forgetting your name when the Starbucks barista asks for it, drinking anything involving Everclear, using over-turned rubbermaids as furniture, snacking right out of the bulk bins at Cost Cutter, wiping your hands on your clothes, violently itching your scalp in public, filling your car door handle with sunflower seed shells, using someone else's insurance card at the doctor, trimming split ends with your teeth, asking someone else if you smell bad, buying food products at Ross, giving people you just met nicknames to make you seem like old friends, laughing louder than the joke was funny, cleaning things with kleenex & saliva, or any other behavior that wouldn't be revealed in the most shocking of Princess Diana's biographies. Or Courtney Love, depending on your habits.

Man, I am not classy. Damnit! I love keeping close company of those I'd like to emulate. Thanks to the women in my life who keep me accountable, laugh with me & polish my habits. Stay classy, ladies, stay classy.