Los Loya - Five Years

We celebrated our fifth anniversary last Friday, November 12th. Anniversary traditions in our marriage could be characterized by the best intentions of Carlee & the best follow-through of Jake.

When we got married, I wanted our anniversary celebrations to be a BIG DEAL. After all, each year celebrates a change, a growth, a collection of memories, a list of triumphs & in our case, an assortment of extremely random circumstances. When we were engaged, I remember listening to Pastor Bob at Cornwall Church teaching about marriage. He was encouraging couples to celebrate their culture of two - the culture that exists only between the two of you - a relationship personality that has grown out of your collective life.

I remember thinking - that's really "nice". At that point in our relationship, our culture of two was more like a culture of 10. Our relationship has always included dear, intimate friends & siblings who have been roommates, soul mates, confidants & life mates to us. Our culture of two hadn't existed long enough to have taken on a life of it's own. I tucked that little phrase "culture of two" under my hat, half expecting to never visit it again.

Fast forward a few years & I have to say, the greatest joy in my life is the accidental creation of my culture of two with Jake. We've never been big on "date nights" or other sort of intentional investments happy couples often employ. And let us not confuse my aptitude in the kitchen with a nomination for wife of the year. Our culture of two has grown, I believe, out of just thinking the other person is premium. We also refrain from beating each other.

People always say a marriage happens in the day in/day out mundane, unglamorous tasks that create security and acceptance between you. Maybe that's what makes a marriage harmonious, but I'm not sure that's what creates a culture of two. Now, I know I've only been married five years - I have no children (which some would say means my marriage hasn't been fully actualized) & by no means do I think my relationship is perfect, Lord no. But, I do think it's important to keep close track of what makes your marriage YOURS. What experiences, traditions, curveballs create your culture of two - the appreciation that each marriage is as unique as the two people who've created it.

I'm not sure my cooking matters at ALL in my marriage. I'm not sure Jake taking out the trash, doing the laundry or maintaining the car matters either. Should marriage make each of your burdens lighter? Yes. Are these behaviors going to keep us married? No. If Jake has been reduced to a task-sharer, my appreciation of him as premium will go down the drain. I can live without a task-sharer - I CANNOT live without the other half of my culture of two.

Why am I rambling? Cause I'm reflecting on how my marriage means something different to me than it meant on November 12th, 2005 & how it will likely mean something completely different to me November 12, 2015. This was brought on by Jake's remark last Friday that the next five years are going to be EXTREMELY different than the last five. Since I both love & abhor change (nothing in the middle), I get in my head about it. It's got me thinking about what has created our culture of two; how that has changed & what trajectory I'm creating for it's future.

Anniversaries are an opportunity to reflect on your life together & celebrate the previous year. So, when we got married, I wanted them to be a BIG DEAL. I was going to keep a journal about the year, we were going to trade every other year planning a big night together...yeah. After I totally melted down on my first two "turns" because I hadn't/didn't/couldn't come up with anything, we agreed it was probably best for Jake to just always plan our anniversary. While my other big ideas didn't pan out either, I did follow through on one idea - to take a picture of us every year on our anniversary.

Day in/day out tasks, bills, laundry, cooking, patterns, roles aside, here are a few things from each year that I believe have created our culture of two & have made my particular partner invaluable to me. These are some of my favorite memories; they make up the story of my marriage.

Engagement & First year- ring shopping at Alderwood Mall immediately after Jake finished a marathon - why, who knows, finding a pretty one, him ordering it from Bham & having to have Bree co-sign on the financing, as we were, of course, unemployed. Honeymooning in London - staying in separate male/female hostel rooms to save money. Seriously. Getting lost & so mad at each other in Cairo - in a town where you can't ask for directions without having to pay someone for the courtesy - too poor for that obviously. Finding our way back onto the map - so happy we treat ourselves to Hard Rock Cafe - get sick. Of course. Home to Bellingham from honeymoon & move into first apartment together on Elm Street – I discover I flush the toilet “incorrectly”. We figure out what living together looks like. I convince Jake that we should be full time tutors & I start marketing his Spanish skills (some might call it pimping). We tutor some of the craziest families in Whatcom County - a constant state of "what have you gotten us into??". Oops! Both of our cars break down in the same week, we sell Jake's sexy bachelor Saab to get...a Volvo wagon (my pick). Road trip to Skagway with Alissa & Caleb; moving into community housing with 18 other people - paying $200/month in rent. Some times we'd get to give charter tours together - me touring, him driving. He would fact-check me & drive me insane. When our niece Bailey Colleen was born in September, I realized how much I could love a little child that was part of my new "family" - without having a clue what that really meant yet.

Second year - I got my dream job right after our anniversary - we ran out into the snow down to Elizabeth Park & ran off our excitement like 5 year olds. Jake took his ladies (me, Shan & Anna) on a cruise in December - the confusion & envy of our retired gentlemen cruising companions. I left for Skagway while he finished spring quarter. That spring, my grandpa died. While I was able to fly home, Jake said he would have gone to the memorial get-together whether I was there or not - cause after all, we're family. Oh, wow, yeah we are. I started to get the "we're family" concept. In August he decided he didn't want to apply to medical school. After this much school & all this time...now what? Table that for now.

Third year - Started out as the Best Year Ever. Cruise with the Harpers in October - set out on the Trans-Siberian Railway soon after. We've never had to rely on each other so much as on this trip. Jake continues to be the best travel companion ever. He beats me at May I, I beat him at Nerts. He picks up Russian, I read the map & dry our laundry with a hair dryer. After three months traveling, I lose my job in a company merger. We're broke, homeless & unemployed. We move in with the Harpers & decide to stay in Bellingham for awhile. We fly up to Skagway to move out of our house & can't stop crying the whole time. Nightmare. I see a side of my husband I've never seen as he manages his anxiety about the future with my heartbreak over my job loss. After deciding against med school, he takes a job in the lab at St. Joe's. I get extremely bored & Jake permits my most impulsive purchase to date - a house in the Lettered Streets Neighborhood. Rather than leaving for Skagway, we move into our first house. High point - our Lily Sophia was born in February & her furrowed little brow & I spend a lot of time together in my new garden.

Fourth year - Laura & Hunter (before a big night at the Silver Reef, I’m sure) ask us how this year was different from year's past & I start crying over how lame our life had become in Bellingham. In front of our dear friends, I had a total meltdown. Jake's protective nature took over - enough of my unhappiness was enough. For the next year, I got absolutely everything I wanted. I spent every cent I earned on huge parties. I moved my Anna into the guest room. I gained 20 pounds. I booked a trip to Europe. And one January day, the doorbell rang & the UPS man handed me a brand new 24" iMac. Yes, spoiled. While Jakey was maintaining my sanity with all his might, he was finishing classes & making the decision to move us on - to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant & take action, stat.

Fifth year - My angel husband was accepted to PA school the day before our fourth anniversary in 2009. Actually, he'd been accepted to two schools. Three hours with Anna & Cory, a whiteboard for pros & cons & a bottle of Makers Mark later, he'd selected Touro University in California. He would start in August - that meant one important thing - I could go back to Skagway. He encourages me to make some bold moves (also called begging) to return to a work community I'd been away from for two years. And, when I took a monstrous pay cut, the family banker just said 'there are more important things' (tired of an insane wife?). Sweetest niece #4 - our Grady Brooke was born in February. Jake spends 5 hours with me in the waiting room. That 'family thing' is finally real. I appreciate him more than ever. When we rented our house & drove north to Alaska in April, he played Runaway by Love & Theft. I exhaled. And lost 20 pounds. He moved to Vallejo, California in August to start school & begin a three-year process of us living together & apart. He doesn't like the idea of being apart, but knows how much my job means to me.

We never used to say things like "hey, can you pick up some decaf, we're out" or "when should we talk about paying for that new roof" or "where exactly IS Cameroon?" or "don't smell my scrubs when you put them in the wash". Our Sixth year is only 4 days old, but this year will be marked with Jake's grad school progress, time apart, life on fast-forward & hold at the same time. Our culture of two will continue to change & grow in this strange time. We will continue to obsess over British TV, great friends & a Sunday night laugh over potentially calling in to Suze Orman's show with OUR finances for review (I'm sorry, but how do 30-year-olds who make $3,000/month have $240k in retirement & have $47k in liquid assets?? These people are full of s*.) I believe we would give ol' Suze a heart attack.

Jake surprised me with an overnight in San Francisco last Friday night for our fifth anniversary. We went by way of Marin County & the Golden Gate Bridge as neither of us had been over the Golden Gate Bridge before! We ate dinner in Chinatown at a fantastic Chinese restaurant (as premium humor would have it, when we walked in, they had pictures of Rachael & Jamie on the wall, I'm not joking. Jake was like, hey, your two favorite people! It was meant to be), drank martinis at Scala's at the Drake Hotel at Union Square & watched ice skaters circle below the unlit Christmas tree. It was a really romantic night & nice to get away from our little ghetto & enjoy living 45 minutes from one of the greatest cities in the world. Yes, I did feel like my car was safer on the street in SF than in front of our apartment in Vallejo.

Those of you who read this blog have been the greatest encouragers of healthy relationship – whether it’s friendship, family or marital. Thank you for that. Thanks for being part of our story. xo