Honestly, the word "urine" is becoming much too commonplace on TV.
Dear friends from high school, please stop losing weight. Thank you.
Why was it necessary to wake up to this conversation at 6 am on the sidewalk in front of my house: "I'm gonna call the cops on you b*!!" "I'm gonna call the cops on YOU a*h*!! GET BACK HERE!!" "I'm callin' the cops right NOW!!" good effin' morning Vallejo.
It's official. I can no longer wear a straight part without plucking at least a dozen greys.
I love Chelsea Handler, but sometimes she looks like a hot mess.
It's 9 am & the horror doesn't hit me until the check-out. Essentials? Embarrassed.
Can you hear me doing my workout video from the street?
Parents on facebook: when a friend updates about their child reaching a milestone, that's NOT an invitation to share your child's latest milestone. Try a remark like "yeah!" or "that's awesome!" or "what a cutie" - something that indicates you care about your friend & her child. We're tired of you not following this social rule.
It's Tuesday & all I can think about is the Biggest Loser on tonight. Yep, that probably makes me the biggest loser on your newsfeed.
Let's play a game - I'll post a picture & you guess "Vallejo" or "Tijuana".
"We used to be embarrassed to buy store brands" - uh...WHO used to be embarrassed to buy store brands? Please Today Show, find someone outside the city to contribute to your lifestyle segments.
We would never sit down with a tub of sour cream & eat it by the spoonful like yogurt. Yet, add a little Uncle Dan's to the same tub of sour cream, replace the spoon with a celery stalk & we call it acceptable. Or as I call it, "breakfast".
Nothing better to do than wonder where the hell my Real Simple is.
Which is more offensive - the show Outsourced that perpetuates Indian stereotypes or the storyline on Private Practice where a female MD is too "tough" to report her rape? Blood boil.
If you're in a relationship with an ass, I cannot be held responsible for the amount I must drink to hang out with you.
I miss Anna. I miss Anna. I miss Anna. I miss Anna. I miss Anna. I miss Anna. I miss Anna.
Fine. Congratulations. You win. I'm powerless against your temptation. I will enjoy you in secret, skip meals to be with you & keep you close all day long. Coffeemate Peppermint Mocha creamer, my elusive, non-dairy, chemically-charged lover.
Everyone is making fun of your facebook album that is all self-portraits.
I just bought my first age-defying product. Bring on the anti-society, rejection attitude about 'obsession with youth' while secretly using an age-defying product made from pig butts.
There's your snark for the day. This loser is going back to waiting for Biggest Loser. Cheers!
8 comments:
Laughing. Out. Loud.
My be my favorite blog of all time. From Chelsea's questionable style to the Peppermint Mocha temptress to "If you're in a relationship with an ass, I cannot be held responsible for the amount I must drink to hang out with you..." pure hilarity.
Why and how did we ever move away from each other. It is sick really.
P.S. I miss you too.
I can't stop laughing. You consistently write the best blog posts ever. I'm pretty sure I'll be laughing about this throughout the day.
Perfect!! I SO miss being able to share the most idiotic FB status updates with you...I especially miss the stripper's updates. OH MY. If I could really post what I wanted to, mine for today would read: 'Kim wonders if the 4 psychiatric appointments our family has this week are the norm for any other family in my neighborhood??'
Carlee. I die. Facebook would be a lot more fun with your posts.
"It's Tuesday & all I can think about is the Biggest Loser on tonight. Yep, that probably makes me the biggest loser on your newsfeed." Ditto friend, ditto.
I literally put my face in my hands and snorted. Hilarious. Why aren't you making any money on this material?
Hay, for the same reason you consistently find dirty underwear in your purse. We're only meant for certain crowds.
IT'S ALL I HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!! Reading the rest of this later ... obviously. But that's what you have for now.
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